"In the spiritual world, they don’t have dismal, cold, rainy days like this. Maybe it rains sometimes, but it is always pleasant, relieving a hot spell or producing beautiful rainbows. And there are no broken bones and rude secretaries. We want to go there. The material world is tolerable because we have devotee association, chanting of Hare Krishna, and hearing about Krishna’s pastimes. People who don’t have this drag along through unhappy lives with no knowledge of where they are going in the next life."
Satsvarupa dasa Goswami -June 5, 4:16 A.M.
I had a peaceful night, Woke up at 2:00 A.M. but stayed in bed until 4:00 A.M. Now I’m on the run. I called for Narayana, and he’s on his way up. I started my chanting, but we’ll leave a little late for the beach.
- Early-morning japa log
I’ve been chanting fast, but I’ve lost the count of what round I’m on. I haven’t been playing attention so well either. This is all due to the lateness of my start. But I’m pushing on and figure I’m not really so far behind. I’ll have to arbitrarily assign the round that I’m on. I think I’ve finished four rounds. I’m chanting with a barely audible sound, but I’m hearing the mantras. I’m keeping awake and alert. Narayana has been kind to me. We decided that he’ll come up at 5:30 A.M., and I’ll take my shower then. We’ll leave for the beach late.
5:05 A.M.
- Japa essay
Japa should be done in a composed way, without being frantic or losing track of your count. If you lose track of your count, then you have to arbitrarily set a new count and just go on with that. Make the best of the bad situation. Try to do your best, giving the benefit of the doubt to the count rather than to cheat. It’s always best not to cheat Krishna in your japa. When you don’t know the count, you’ll have to do it with a guess. The exact count is really not the most important thing. The important thing is chanting sincerely and with dedication. You can make up your count eventually later in the day, to make sure you’ve done your sixteen. My shoulder hurts, and that’s a distraction. But the most important thing is to move on sincerely. I’m doing the best I can. I beg that Krishna will forgive me for my discrepancies.
- Old man, chant as you can
- not as you can’t.
- Hold the beads and keep alert.
- Try to think of Radha and Krishna.
- Remember, it’s not a mechanical act.
- It’s a deep attempt at prayer.
- This is your most important time, so give your all.
- Don’t feel sorry that you got a bad start.
- Make up for it
- and push on with vigor,
- making the middle part make up for the bad start,
- finishing strong, without confusion.
-
6:48 A.M.
It rained hard during the night, and it was still raining when we arrived at the beach. The tractor man was out and gave us a hearty wave. After ten minutes, the rain lightened up a bit, and we decided to go for a walk. We got wet but kept walking for two laps and then retired to the car.
Yesterday’s visit to the orthopedist was a little disappointing. The bones still haven’t fused. He was kind of casual about it and said it may take months to heal. He said the good news was that the bones haven’t moved. I’m not exactly sure what that means. He asked me to start a therapy of raising my right arm up and down five times in a row once a day. We made another appointment for a month from now to take new x-rays. He said if it doesn’t eventually heal, he will have to resort to using a machine that stimulates healing. He said I could use my hand for writing as long as I braced it with the forearm, but I couldn’t put pressure on the shoulder (that means I can’t paint yet). The secretarial help treated Narayana rudely, and that disturbed me. So the broken collarbone saga continues, with only a little relief.
In the spiritual world, they don’t have dismal, cold, rainy days like this. Maybe it rains sometimes, but it is always pleasant, relieving a hot spell or producing beautiful rainbows. And there are no broken bones and rude secretaries. We want to go there. The material world is tolerable because we have devotee association, chanting of Hare Krishna, and hearing about Krishna’s pastimes. People who don’t have this drag along through unhappy lives with no knowledge of where they are going in the next life.
If it keeps raining today, we’ll continue with our satisfying Krishna conscious activities indoors. We are very fortunate that Krishna has given us life-fulfilling duties to keep ourselves occupied without boredom or ennui. Yesterday in those afternoon hours when I felt threatened by boredom, I started a new diary. I’m writing from the gut, not for publication but facing my problems and trying to work through them by a therapeutic kind of head-on facing of myself. I wrote almost unconsciously and with complete frankness. I found it very satisfying, and it brought me relief from specific issues. I intend to keep it up in a special bound notebook. I like the freedom of writing just for myself without the need to show it to others.
I’m far behind in my rounds today, but I’m sure I will make it up. I like living in the house with Narayana and Dattatreya, how we share friendship and yet give each other space to be alone.
8:45 A.M.
“I Thought About You.” I thought about You, Krishna. I thought about what I’ve read in Bhagavad-gita. Prabhupada’s Bhagavad-gita As It Is is such a great book. It proves conclusively that You are the Supreme Personality of Godhead and that bhakti is the only path to reach You. When I read that book, I think about You. Miles Davis plays it tenderly, like a lover thinking of the beloved. I want to think about You like that. The way You and Radha think about each other. I want to think about You as my beloved, as my protector, as my God. I’ve thought about You in my loneliness. The nonbelievers deride You in Your personal form. I thought about them and dismissed them. I thought about You as a devotee thinks of God. Miles Davis’ rendering is thinking about someone, and it could be thinking of You. Even if he’s thinking of someone else, I’m thinking of You. He’s helping me think of You by his own tender thinking.
“Bess, You Is My Woman Now.” This is a piece by the Glen Evans band, taken from Porgy and Bess. It’s the love between Porgy and Bess. It’s very tender and romantic. It could be Krishna thinking of Radha. The lyrics stand out clearly, Bess, you is my woman now. He doesn’t speak it with correct grammar, but his heart is in the right place. Miles plays against the rich orchestration of the Glen Evans orchestra. It’s faithful and true, one for one. He loves no other. It’s pure love, prema, where the lover just wants to please the beloved.
“Blue in Green.” This is another ballad, a timeless feeling. Feelings of love. Beautiful music. Miles Davis and John Coltrane. Bill Evans on piano. They each play with quiet mastery, and the quietness makes you think of the spirit. Freedom from the noise of the material world. Miles’ muted trumpet is lonely and lovely.
“I Loves You, Porgy.” The Glen Evans Orchestra introduces a quiet mood, and Miles comes in over it with his muted trumpet. Bess loves Porgy. Radha loves Krishna. She states it openly, without embarrassment, without compromise. This is the pure open heart of which Radharani speaks in Samaputta, The Love Locket, by Rupa Goswami. Although sometimes She quarrels with Krishna, in Her heart is pure, unalloyed devotion to Him, without any frivolity. Krishna can do whatever He likes, but Radha loves Him absolutely. “He may handle me too roughly in His embrace or make me brokenhearted by not being presence before Me, but He is always My Lord absolutely, unconditionally.”
“Invitation.” This is a piece featuring the vibraphonist Milt Jackson, along with Kenny Durham on trumpet and Jimmy Heath on tenor sax. Warren Keepnews says, “It’s a fine example of the superior results you can get when skill is combined with joy.” We all have been given the invitation by Krishna to join him in the spiritual world. But most people have put that invitation in the back drawer and are not interested in responding. They think they have to give up too much pleasure of the material world by austerities in order to gain the higher pleasure of the spiritual world to which they are invited. Milt Jackson seems to be inviting us with joy and skill to the spiritual world. It is an open invitation warmly given. He wants us to join him in the joy he is feeling making this music. Enjoying music with top jazz musicians is accepting the invitation from Krishna. It is a short piece, but the message is clear: “Please come and join us. You are warmly invited.” The vibration of the vibraphone is a very inviting sound, resonant and mellow. The horns back it up with similar mild pleasure sounds. Keepnews has said that the musicians are playing with joy, and that is significant. They should not just play out of business or out of duty but invite us with joy.
11:00 A.M.
- My Dear Lord Krishna...
I’m writing to You on a rainy, gray Friday. We’re reading Brhad-bhagavatamrta, and it’s almost amusing how the cowherd boy Gopa-kumara travels to see You in Your different Vishnu forms on different planets. He’s initially ecstatically satisfied to associate with You in Your form as Jagannatha in Nilacala, as Upendra in Svargaloka, and then in Maharloka. But each time, for various reasons, he becomes dissatisfied and wants to be with You somewhere else, in another form and situation of worship. I am satisfied to worship You as Govinda in Vraja, in Your Deity form, and in accounts of Your pastimes in that form. But I do not have the fortune of Gopa-kumara to come so close to You and render direct service. In other words, I am fixed in my choice of You as Govinda, my istha-devata (worshipable Deity), but I am far away from You in advanced, loving service.
How can I get closer to You? By my desire. My desire willb e shown by my actions. As I preach on Your behalf, praise You, serve You in the nine processes of devotional service, You will show me Your mercy. I do desire to know You better. I want to think about You more, talk about You more, and gain greed to be with You. Gopa-kumara could gain Your audience on a particular planet just by desiring it and chanting his mantra in private. A chariot would appear before him and take him to the place of his desires. I chant, but no chariot comes. My desires are not so strong.
I wish to make them stronger. All I can think of practically is to remain steady. I can’t think of spectacular increase. By steady service, with time, I may improve, just as the orthopedist said my shoulder would heal with time. But how much time do I have, and how much am I capable of healing in my old age? They say an old person cannot expect to heal quickly like a young person. It may take him years before his bones join again.
Steadiness—and increase? Now I have my confrontation diary, where I try to face myself more directly and work through my issues. I overcome time-wasting boredom. I have my time in the morning to improve my japa and make it steady. I have Lewes Beach, where I go with a buddy and try to complete my rounds without falling asleep. I have my Yellow Submarine, where I reach out to people with the story of my attempts. And mealtimes, where I hear the sastras read to me. These are the ways in which I try to increase my desire to be with You. My daily prayer is a particular enunciation of that desire. Words may be cheap, but they may also be paid-for utterances. It all depends on You and whether You consider me a sincere candidate for closer association. I believe You are real. I believe You are the greatest. My dear Lord Krishna, my dear Srimati Radharani, if You desire, please bring me closer to You.
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